Waxing Poetic

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Dad has been haunting me today. First, "29", then going to the hardware store (where every smell, every tool, every man covered in grease who knows what the fuck he's talking about reminds me of Dad), then a man on the bus with worker's hands - dirty and beat up, and lastly a penpal who asked what my favorite time of day was.  Not a small part of me HATES him for what he did to Mom - what he turned her into.  And part of me loves him because he was our Dad.  And another part FULLY believes he would have hated Matt for who they are (without actually getting to know them).  And I wonder if he would hate the Drag Queens and ALL the Trans KIDS and people who are being silenced, if not killed. And when I think about that, it SICKENS me. I'm glad I only inherited his physical problems, and not his mental defects.  Dad was racist, and sexist, and many not good things. He died when I was 20, and only starting to learn about feminism and activism and ...

Ahh Gentle Reader,  After I was sexually assaulted, in 2019, my crisis counselor instructed me to keep a journal. She didn't give me prompts, just told me to journal. And I did. I journaled about my abusive ex, my rapist, the FWB I had after that, and more.  I picked up that journal a couple days ago, and the entry that caught me was from August of 2019, and simply said, "I am afraid I am going to be alone forever.". And it almost made me laugh, given that I have found my partner, my love, my home.  So I reflected on it for a few minutes. I took a picture of it for posterity's sake. And then, I THREW THE JOURNAL AWAY!!!!  Because I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!!!!  I'm no longer a broken, hollowed out husk of a woman, a fragment of who I was, a monster filled with RAGE. I am changed, I can't deny that. But I am a strong, loving, compassionate, beautiful soul. I see the beauty all around me. I love with my whole self, as I once did. And I'm able to accept t...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Well, it finally happened. My mother has crossed a line I cannot excuse / defend / overlook.  For YEARS, everyone I've talked to about her has told me to cut contact / lessen contact / enforce boundaries / etc. because she is toxic. This includes doctors, friends, acquaintences, everyone . And I just couldn't do it. I love her. I felt sorry for her. I didn't want to give up on her, or leave her without support.  But tonight, she tactically attacked, went for the "Critical Hit" shot that she knew would do the most damage . I refuse to allow that behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her COMPLETE lack of accountability for her own behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her accusations to continue. I refuse to allow her manipulative behavior to continue. (This list could get long.) I refuse to allow her to keep the relationship we have with a weird power dynamic that is unhealthy for both of us, and practically undoes the HARD WORK I have done,...

Ahh, Gentle Reader,  I am usually one of the last people to listen to a new album. I don't really know why. It's not a goal of mine, or a particular thing I strive for. I just do things in my own time, I suppose. Well, lately I have been very sick of the music I have access to, as well as the YouTubers I have been in the mood to watch. So, I decided to make a separate playlist (On Tidal, cause FUCK Spotify), of Taylor Swift's newest album, Midnights, and listen through it. I figured if her last four albums were any indication, I would like at least part of it.  I was correct. I like a good deal of the album. In my excitement, I shared part of this with someone close to me, who was shocked by some of the lyrics, and said, "It looks like she found something to write about besides her ex-boyfriends."  This really upset me, for a few reasons. The person in question has not dated much, so does not have the experience of pouring your entire self, your SOUL into a relati...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, As I sit here in the dark waiting for my Sweetie to wake up, it occurs to me that what I'd most like to be doing is working on a handmade journal for a dear friend. The terminology is moving from "junk journals" to "handmade journals", which I like better. They aren't junk, they are made with love, and yes, maybe some upcycled materials, but also beautiful items bought or thrifted or discovered along life's path.  Creating these journals is my favorite hobby, after penpalling, of course. I just love how many techniques and supplies you can incorporate!!  If you want to add a real, crocheted doily, go for it! If you want to stain paper with Easter egg dye, do it! If you want to sew each page with your sewing machine, doooooo it! It is just the most fun creative outlet, in my opinion. And I love giving them as gifts! People are just so amazed that I can create them, which is kind of funny, cause it's mostly "gluing paper to oth...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, I recently broke up with a penpal. I have not heard back from her, so I’m not sure what she might say. She was my longest running penpal. She was also the oldest in age, I believe. We were friends on Failbonk. I loved her . She has always been kind to me. So, what’s the problem, you ask?  She shared a couple posts that I so strongly disagreed with, that I was forced to act . I could not allow such injustice-driven posts to go unnoticed or unchallenged . I could not ignore the fact that she was spreading misinformation and unfiltered hatred on to her friends and that it was hurting me .  The first one was about the rainbow, and how humanity had distorted its meaning. Apparently, it was to symbolize a covenant with “God”. I don’t know anything about this, as I gave up Christianity many years ago. I simply cannot reconcile the “just and loving God” with the one that allows children to be raped, women to be oppressed, innocent people to be tortured and kil...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, There's a Sara Evans' song that says, "I didn't know nothin' 'bout love, I learned that from you .". I'd like to tell you the things I've learned from my Sweetie.  I thought I knew what love felt like, what passion was, what it meant to be safe in someone’s arms. I have learned what these things are, and so much more.  I have learned what it is to ugly cry and not feel ugly, but to be held and consoled and comforted. I have learned what it is to see my beloved ugly cry, and not find it ugly, but beautiful that they trust me with their innermost thoughts, fears, and pain. They know that they are safe with me. That is beautiful. I have learned what it is to scream to the heavens with such passion I am more animal than human. That is beautiful. I have learned that sometimes I need to lean into their strength, when mine fails. But other times, they need to borrow some of my strength, and that is a beautiful gift to give and receive....

     Ahh, gentle reader,     Today has been a rough day; This whole week has, to be honest. And one of the the things that has gotten me through it is my beloved betrothed , my Sweetie. I can't say enough good things about them. But I'm gonna try. 😉     Any time that I am struggling, sometimes when I don't even see it , they are there. They reassure me, and remind me of stuff I need to do, and support me in any way they possibly can. They cook for me when I'm too tired, or in too much pain. They read to me when I have bad dreams, so their voice is the last thing I hear before sleep. They do every single little or big thing that they can to make my life easier and happier.      I've been thinking about that a lot this week. And I think a big part of it, aside from their unending compassion , is that they also have ADHD, and they GET me in a way that NO ONE ever has. They understand that having a "Bride" tumbler with a straw and lid made...

     Ahh, gentle reader,      I ran out of postage stamps, as I often do... I've been penpalling for 6 years, and I still don't know how many I realistically need. So, I ordered 2 books - one domestic and one international. I'm about to send out 17 Happy Mails! And a couple more on Monday when the Post Office is open. 😁 So, I should be getting some reply mail next week or so. I'm so excited to make new friends, and share with old friends. I truly love penpalling. It is so enriching, and inspiring. 💟     If you don't have a penpal, I highly recommend it. It's similar to a therapist, in a way. They aren't up in your situations, so they can offer perspective. And they offer support. And send letters full of themselves, their loves, their lives. It's really amazing to get to see a part of someone's life that they might not necessarily share with people closer to them. And it's semi-anonymous, so a lot of people find freedom in writing to someone t...

    Ahh, gentle reader,      When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a mostly positive place. Today I do not feel positive. I have claimed the identity of Phoenix. And last night was burning. Today is ash. Hopefully, tomorrow will be rebirth. Right now, all I can see is the smoke, but I have faith in myself, and after numerous rebirths, I believe I shall live again.      I wish I could explain what set me ablaze, but that is not my own story to tell.      I wish I had a cute quote, or some sappy goodness to share with you, but today is ash .       Until next time, stay safe, drink water, and love yourself as you love your friends.                                                                     ...

    Ahh, gentle reader,             A few nights ago, my Sweetie and I were cuddling and talking, and I was feeling extra mushy. I said, "I don't know why I'm waxing poetic about everything today.", and the phrase has been stuck in my head ever since. It's one that I really like, probably because no one says it anymore.      There's also the fact that there's SO MUCH negativity everywhere now. And I am guilty of it, too. I want a place where I can remind myself of and share mostly positive things, things that make me giggle, things that remind me of the beauty of human beings - beyond my beloved Sweetie, who is the most beautiful of the humans .           Warning: Incoming cheese!      One of the things that brings me the most joy is that my Sweetie makes me laugh every day. EVERY . DAY . I think that is the most magnificent magic . They are not as sarcastic as I am, so it's usually...

     Ahh, gentle reader,      I wanted to give you a heads up. I am taking 3 online courses through our library, so I may not be able to post as often as I'd like. They will finish up in June. But I plan to take more. Learn ALL THE THINGS!      One of my classes is about blogging and podcasting, so I'll be learning and improving over the next month as well. I'm so excited!      I've also been having some health issues - not Covid, thankfully. But they have kept my energy levels fluctuating, and that makes it hard to accomplish the grandiose To-Do list I always tend to make for myself. I'm working on that with my therapist, who happens to be a brilliant angelic figure. And I definitely need one of those. Who doesn't, to be honest?      Well, I'm off to do homework. Until next time, stay safe, drink water, and love yourself as you love your friends.                ...

     Ahh, gentle reader,      Hello, and welcome to my life, or as much of it as I'm willing to share on the internet. I hope you are doing well as you read this. This blog is all about my thoughts on life, liberty, and the pursuit of enough tacos to bring happiness. (I'm mostly kidding.) It may not be your cup of tea, but that's okay. We can still be friends. 😊     I'm Izzy. I'm a cisgender woman, who uses she/her pronouns. I am many other labels, which we'll get to later. 😉 I am not a mother, for multiple reasons, which we may get into later. I am happily engaged and living in sin with my partner, who shall remain named, Sweetie. 😍     We live in a shitty part of town, which I hope to someday escape from. I have dreams of owning our own home. I'd like to build it ourselves, but I don't know how reasonable that will be, given that neither of us are contractors or architects. I'll be happy as long as I have a craft room (or workshop,...