Waxing Poetic

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Dad has been haunting me today. First, "29", then going to the hardware store (where every smell, every tool, every man covered in grease who knows what the fuck he's talking about reminds me of Dad), then a man on the bus with worker's hands - dirty and beat up, and lastly a penpal who asked what my favorite time of day was.  Not a small part of me HATES him for what he did to Mom - what he turned her into.  And part of me loves him because he was our Dad.  And another part FULLY believes he would have hated Matt for who they are (without actually getting to know them).  And I wonder if he would hate the Drag Queens and ALL the Trans KIDS and people who are being silenced, if not killed. And when I think about that, it SICKENS me. I'm glad I only inherited his physical problems, and not his mental defects.  Dad was racist, and sexist, and many not good things. He died when I was 20, and only starting to learn about feminism and activism and ...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Well, it finally happened. My mother has crossed a line I cannot excuse / defend / overlook.  For YEARS, everyone I've talked to about her has told me to cut contact / lessen contact / enforce boundaries / etc. because she is toxic. This includes doctors, friends, acquaintences, everyone . And I just couldn't do it. I love her. I felt sorry for her. I didn't want to give up on her, or leave her without support.  But tonight, she tactically attacked, went for the "Critical Hit" shot that she knew would do the most damage . I refuse to allow that behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her COMPLETE lack of accountability for her own behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her accusations to continue. I refuse to allow her manipulative behavior to continue. (This list could get long.) I refuse to allow her to keep the relationship we have with a weird power dynamic that is unhealthy for both of us, and practically undoes the HARD WORK I have done,...

Ahh, Gentle Reader,  I am usually one of the last people to listen to a new album. I don't really know why. It's not a goal of mine, or a particular thing I strive for. I just do things in my own time, I suppose. Well, lately I have been very sick of the music I have access to, as well as the YouTubers I have been in the mood to watch. So, I decided to make a separate playlist (On Tidal, cause FUCK Spotify), of Taylor Swift's newest album, Midnights, and listen through it. I figured if her last four albums were any indication, I would like at least part of it.  I was correct. I like a good deal of the album. In my excitement, I shared part of this with someone close to me, who was shocked by some of the lyrics, and said, "It looks like she found something to write about besides her ex-boyfriends."  This really upset me, for a few reasons. The person in question has not dated much, so does not have the experience of pouring your entire self, your SOUL into a relati...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, I recently broke up with a penpal. I have not heard back from her, so I’m not sure what she might say. She was my longest running penpal. She was also the oldest in age, I believe. We were friends on Failbonk. I loved her . She has always been kind to me. So, what’s the problem, you ask?  She shared a couple posts that I so strongly disagreed with, that I was forced to act . I could not allow such injustice-driven posts to go unnoticed or unchallenged . I could not ignore the fact that she was spreading misinformation and unfiltered hatred on to her friends and that it was hurting me .  The first one was about the rainbow, and how humanity had distorted its meaning. Apparently, it was to symbolize a covenant with “God”. I don’t know anything about this, as I gave up Christianity many years ago. I simply cannot reconcile the “just and loving God” with the one that allows children to be raped, women to be oppressed, innocent people to be tortured and kil...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, There's a Sara Evans' song that says, "I didn't know nothin' 'bout love, I learned that from you .". I'd like to tell you the things I've learned from my Sweetie.  I thought I knew what love felt like, what passion was, what it meant to be safe in someone’s arms. I have learned what these things are, and so much more.  I have learned what it is to ugly cry and not feel ugly, but to be held and consoled and comforted. I have learned what it is to see my beloved ugly cry, and not find it ugly, but beautiful that they trust me with their innermost thoughts, fears, and pain. They know that they are safe with me. That is beautiful. I have learned what it is to scream to the heavens with such passion I am more animal than human. That is beautiful. I have learned that sometimes I need to lean into their strength, when mine fails. But other times, they need to borrow some of my strength, and that is a beautiful gift to give and receive....

     Ahh, gentle reader,     Today has been a rough day; This whole week has, to be honest. And one of the the things that has gotten me through it is my beloved betrothed , my Sweetie. I can't say enough good things about them. But I'm gonna try. 😉     Any time that I am struggling, sometimes when I don't even see it , they are there. They reassure me, and remind me of stuff I need to do, and support me in any way they possibly can. They cook for me when I'm too tired, or in too much pain. They read to me when I have bad dreams, so their voice is the last thing I hear before sleep. They do every single little or big thing that they can to make my life easier and happier.      I've been thinking about that a lot this week. And I think a big part of it, aside from their unending compassion , is that they also have ADHD, and they GET me in a way that NO ONE ever has. They understand that having a "Bride" tumbler with a straw and lid made...

     Ahh, gentle reader,      I ran out of postage stamps, as I often do... I've been penpalling for 6 years, and I still don't know how many I realistically need. So, I ordered 2 books - one domestic and one international. I'm about to send out 17 Happy Mails! And a couple more on Monday when the Post Office is open. 😁 So, I should be getting some reply mail next week or so. I'm so excited to make new friends, and share with old friends. I truly love penpalling. It is so enriching, and inspiring. 💟     If you don't have a penpal, I highly recommend it. It's similar to a therapist, in a way. They aren't up in your situations, so they can offer perspective. And they offer support. And send letters full of themselves, their loves, their lives. It's really amazing to get to see a part of someone's life that they might not necessarily share with people closer to them. And it's semi-anonymous, so a lot of people find freedom in writing to someone t...

    Ahh, gentle reader,             A few nights ago, my Sweetie and I were cuddling and talking, and I was feeling extra mushy. I said, "I don't know why I'm waxing poetic about everything today.", and the phrase has been stuck in my head ever since. It's one that I really like, probably because no one says it anymore.      There's also the fact that there's SO MUCH negativity everywhere now. And I am guilty of it, too. I want a place where I can remind myself of and share mostly positive things, things that make me giggle, things that remind me of the beauty of human beings - beyond my beloved Sweetie, who is the most beautiful of the humans .           Warning: Incoming cheese!      One of the things that brings me the most joy is that my Sweetie makes me laugh every day. EVERY . DAY . I think that is the most magnificent magic . They are not as sarcastic as I am, so it's usually...