"The Anti Hero"

Ahh, Gentle Reader, 

I am usually one of the last people to listen to a new album. I don't really know why. It's not a goal of mine, or a particular thing I strive for. I just do things in my own time, I suppose. Well, lately I have been very sick of the music I have access to, as well as the YouTubers I have been in the mood to watch. So, I decided to make a separate playlist (On Tidal, cause FUCK Spotify), of Taylor Swift's newest album, Midnights, and listen through it. I figured if her last four albums were any indication, I would like at least part of it. 

I was correct. I like a good deal of the album. In my excitement, I shared part of this with someone close to me, who was shocked by some of the lyrics, and said, "It looks like she found something to write about besides her ex-boyfriends." 

This really upset me, for a few reasons. The person in question has not dated much, so does not have the experience of pouring your entire self, your SOUL into a relationship, into a person you love, only to have that safe place, that relationship, that love just go up in flames, to shatter, to end in so much earth-shattering PAIN. The kind of pain that lasts for months or years. The kind of pain that haunts you in the middle of the night. The kind of pain that drags up the person you loved with your whole being, in your nightmares, and you wake up in tears, not knowing where you are. The kind of pain that hurts you when someone else touches you so gently you forgot how that even feels. You cry because you forgot what love was. You cry because you FORGOT that you deserve love. You forgot what it was to be looked at and be SEEN as you are, and loved for being that person.

No one can know what someone else's relationship is. Even in a polyamorous relationship, the third person cannot know how the feelings and dynamics of the other two are. I've been told to "Get the fuck over it" about relationships that ended "too long ago" for me to feel that kind of pain still. And to that, I say, "FUCK YOU." I have no desire to live in this pain. But I will not ignore it, or pretend it is something else, or that I am "over it" because I happen to have a wonderful, loving partner who treats me well. That does not negate damage that was done unto me. And just because YOU do not feel the pain that I do, DOES NOT NEGATE IT. 

I do not know what Taylor has been through. I do not know who has hurt her, or how much. I do know that I identify with a lot of her music, including "Tolerate It", "Mad Woman", "Hoax", "Evermore", and others about severe pain, loss, forgiveness, moving on, surviving, and other COMPLEX emotions. I am so very grateful to her for writing/singing these songs that have gotten me through difficult times, and will in the future. For her vulnerability, her strength, her pure badassery! She is a goddamned Phoenix, and I will not tolerate anyone making fun of her for it. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. 😉 

Remember, as always, to stay safe, wear your mask, drink water, and love yourself as you love your friends. 

All My Love,
Izzy