Not a small part of me HATES him

Ahh, Gentle Reader,


Dad has been haunting me today. First, "29", then going to the hardware store (where every smell, every tool, every man covered in grease who knows what the fuck he's talking about reminds me of Dad), then a man on the bus with worker's hands - dirty and beat up, and lastly a penpal who asked what my favorite time of day was. 


Not a small part of me HATES him for what he did to Mom - what he turned her into. 

And part of me loves him because he was our Dad. 

And another part FULLY believes he would have hated Matt for who they are (without actually getting to know them). 

And I wonder if he would hate the Drag Queens and ALL the Trans KIDS and people who are being silenced, if not killed.


And when I think about that, it SICKENS me. I'm glad I only inherited his physical problems, and not his mental defects. 


Dad was racist, and sexist, and many not good things. He died when I was 20, and only starting to learn about feminism and activism and how NOT OK that stuff was. 


I wish I'd paid more attention, and called him on his bullshit. 

I wish I knew what to do now... I want to march. I want to protest. I want to raise my voice! I want to be on the RIGHT side of history. It hurts my soul that I don't have the ability to DO something right now. 

Remember, as always, to stay safe, wear your mask, drink water, and love yourself as you love your friends. 

All My Love,
Izzy

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