Waxing Poetic

Ahh Gentle Reader,  After I was sexually assaulted, in 2019, my crisis counselor instructed me to keep a journal. She didn't give me prompts, just told me to journal. And I did. I journaled about my abusive ex, my rapist, the FWB I had after that, and more.  I picked up that journal a couple days ago, and the entry that caught me was from August of 2019, and simply said, "I am afraid I am going to be alone forever.". And it almost made me laugh, given that I have found my partner, my love, my home.  So I reflected on it for a few minutes. I took a picture of it for posterity's sake. And then, I THREW THE JOURNAL AWAY!!!!  Because I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!!!!  I'm no longer a broken, hollowed out husk of a woman, a fragment of who I was, a monster filled with RAGE. I am changed, I can't deny that. But I am a strong, loving, compassionate, beautiful soul. I see the beauty all around me. I love with my whole self, as I once did. And I'm able to accept t...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Well, it finally happened. My mother has crossed a line I cannot excuse / defend / overlook.  For YEARS, everyone I've talked to about her has told me to cut contact / lessen contact / enforce boundaries / etc. because she is toxic. This includes doctors, friends, acquaintences, everyone . And I just couldn't do it. I love her. I felt sorry for her. I didn't want to give up on her, or leave her without support.  But tonight, she tactically attacked, went for the "Critical Hit" shot that she knew would do the most damage . I refuse to allow that behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her COMPLETE lack of accountability for her own behavior to continue. I refuse to allow her accusations to continue. I refuse to allow her manipulative behavior to continue. (This list could get long.) I refuse to allow her to keep the relationship we have with a weird power dynamic that is unhealthy for both of us, and practically undoes the HARD WORK I have done,...

Ahh, Gentle Reader,  I am usually one of the last people to listen to a new album. I don't really know why. It's not a goal of mine, or a particular thing I strive for. I just do things in my own time, I suppose. Well, lately I have been very sick of the music I have access to, as well as the YouTubers I have been in the mood to watch. So, I decided to make a separate playlist (On Tidal, cause FUCK Spotify), of Taylor Swift's newest album, Midnights, and listen through it. I figured if her last four albums were any indication, I would like at least part of it.  I was correct. I like a good deal of the album. In my excitement, I shared part of this with someone close to me, who was shocked by some of the lyrics, and said, "It looks like she found something to write about besides her ex-boyfriends."  This really upset me, for a few reasons. The person in question has not dated much, so does not have the experience of pouring your entire self, your SOUL into a relati...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, As I sit here in the dark waiting for my Sweetie to wake up, it occurs to me that what I'd most like to be doing is working on a handmade journal for a dear friend. The terminology is moving from "junk journals" to "handmade journals", which I like better. They aren't junk, they are made with love, and yes, maybe some upcycled materials, but also beautiful items bought or thrifted or discovered along life's path.  Creating these journals is my favorite hobby, after penpalling, of course. I just love how many techniques and supplies you can incorporate!!  If you want to add a real, crocheted doily, go for it! If you want to stain paper with Easter egg dye, do it! If you want to sew each page with your sewing machine, doooooo it! It is just the most fun creative outlet, in my opinion. And I love giving them as gifts! People are just so amazed that I can create them, which is kind of funny, cause it's mostly "gluing paper to oth...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, Summer is hard for me, for many reasons. I don't handle heat well. Other people can't stand the thought of possibly having a natural scent, so they bathe in perfume/cologne, (which hinders my breathing). I get sunburns. It's just not a good time.  But eventually, summer comes to an end, and the magical season of autumn arrives. I've been particularly overcome this year by the breathtaking beauty around me. The trees are so vividly colored, I can look at nothing else. I feel that the beauty of fall fills something in my soul that I can't even identify. It's a balm for me.  This year, I'm trying to pick some leaves and laminate them to put in my journal, and a few to send to penpals in far away lands. I hope wherever you are, that you are enjoying this absolutely beautiful time of year.  Love,  Izzy 

Ahh, Gentle Reader, I recently broke up with a penpal. I have not heard back from her, so I’m not sure what she might say. She was my longest running penpal. She was also the oldest in age, I believe. We were friends on Failbonk. I loved her . She has always been kind to me. So, what’s the problem, you ask?  She shared a couple posts that I so strongly disagreed with, that I was forced to act . I could not allow such injustice-driven posts to go unnoticed or unchallenged . I could not ignore the fact that she was spreading misinformation and unfiltered hatred on to her friends and that it was hurting me .  The first one was about the rainbow, and how humanity had distorted its meaning. Apparently, it was to symbolize a covenant with “God”. I don’t know anything about this, as I gave up Christianity many years ago. I simply cannot reconcile the “just and loving God” with the one that allows children to be raped, women to be oppressed, innocent people to be tortured and kil...

Ahh, Gentle Reader, There's a Sara Evans' song that says, "I didn't know nothin' 'bout love, I learned that from you .". I'd like to tell you the things I've learned from my Sweetie.  I thought I knew what love felt like, what passion was, what it meant to be safe in someone’s arms. I have learned what these things are, and so much more.  I have learned what it is to ugly cry and not feel ugly, but to be held and consoled and comforted. I have learned what it is to see my beloved ugly cry, and not find it ugly, but beautiful that they trust me with their innermost thoughts, fears, and pain. They know that they are safe with me. That is beautiful. I have learned what it is to scream to the heavens with such passion I am more animal than human. That is beautiful. I have learned that sometimes I need to lean into their strength, when mine fails. But other times, they need to borrow some of my strength, and that is a beautiful gift to give and receive....

     Ahh, gentle reader,     Today has been a rough day; This whole week has, to be honest. And one of the the things that has gotten me through it is my beloved betrothed , my Sweetie. I can't say enough good things about them. But I'm gonna try. 😉     Any time that I am struggling, sometimes when I don't even see it , they are there. They reassure me, and remind me of stuff I need to do, and support me in any way they possibly can. They cook for me when I'm too tired, or in too much pain. They read to me when I have bad dreams, so their voice is the last thing I hear before sleep. They do every single little or big thing that they can to make my life easier and happier.      I've been thinking about that a lot this week. And I think a big part of it, aside from their unending compassion , is that they also have ADHD, and they GET me in a way that NO ONE ever has. They understand that having a "Bride" tumbler with a straw and lid made...